The past couple of days I have been thinking a lot about how this pregnancy will end. I will have a new lovey, squishy baby which I am so excited about, but I will also have a major surgery to recover from and permenant birth control to come to grips with.
Part I: C-Section Prep
As first time parents in 2006, we took the baby classes and read all of the most recommended books. In class I tuned out the parts on c-sections; I always skipped over those same parts in the books. "That doesn't apply to me," I thought. I just didn't think I needed to learn even the basics about any of that. It wasn't how I was going to have my babies, so why bother?
I had some issues toward the end of my pregnancy that put me on bed rest. I ended up going in to be induced, still thinking about having nothing but a natural birth. I pictured it all - ending up with my new beautiful, goo-covered baby being handed to me and placed on my chest. During labor Gabby's heart rate began to drop every time I would have a contraction. All of the nurses started running around, then they tried to call the doctor. I kept asking what was going on; they told me everything was fine. I knew it wasn't fine.
It all happened so quick - as if you can ever fully prepare for an emergency, but I should have at least paid attention in class about c-sections! I was naive and nervous and panicking. Doc explained we had to do a c-section right then. They'll give me a spinal block, he says (I hadn't been able to track down the epidural guy). What's a spinal block?
The birth was quick and baby 1 was great, once they got her to start crying - that took a few agonizingly long seconds. The cord had been wrapped around her neck. The only safe thing to do according to doc was to have delivered this way. After birth, they wisked her away and I didn't even get a chance to get a good look or touch her. This was not how my birth was supposed to go! I was extremely relieved that she was ok, but what happened to my picturesque birth?
It took me a long time to come to grips with the way Gabby's birth went down. I did lots of research on VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and was convinced that was how I'd do it with baby 2. Then my doc explained to me all the risks that go along with VBAC. The clincher for me was him describing that there was a 1 in 200 chance my uterus would rupture in natural labor after having had a c-section. He said, "If someone told me I had a 1 in 200 chance of getting in an accident coming to work this morning, I would have stayed home."
So we scheduled Jude's c-section and it was a totally different story. I knew what to expect for the most part. We strolled in to triage - we are having a baby this morning - la ti da. It was great. I got to see him and touch him right after he was born which was something I needed. I did get really sick with him though - sick on the table and sick for about a day after also. And then you've got the whole major-abdominal surgery thing. This type of surgery is done all the time, but that doesn't mean it's a walk in the park!
I am getting to the point in this pregnancy when I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. I'm uncomfortable, and I'm ready to see the face of the guy who nudges me all day and night. But I also know that the big finale means surgery and all that goes with that. It's scary. Even after I've done it twice before, or maybe even more since I've done it before. "What ifs" never stop circling my mind.
Then there's the other issue we're dealing with in a big way -
Part II: Tubal Ligation Prep
We've officially decided that baby 3 will be the last Small baby grown in my belly. To ensure this, I will be getting my tubes tied during this delivery.
Whew! Big decision, but it has been made and that does give me a little relief.
We love babies. I've said before that I'm not a big fan of being pregnant (my husband isn't a big fan of me being pregnant either), but I do love my babies. Eric and I have been together since high school, and we've always had a plan. Overall, we've been on track with the plan even though it has been altered a bit. We orignally wanted to have 5 kids. After having 2 and now with this one coming, we think maybe God wants us to keep at least some of our sanity.
There has been lots of discussion over the last few years about our plan and how more kids fit into it. We feel like we've weighed all of the options and talked about as many possible scenarios as we could think of. We've always thought we'd have our babies close together then be done by the time we hit 30. Thirty will be here in 2012 for both of us. So according to plan, it's time.
Hitting the big 3-0 is not the only reason, by far, but it has helped me in not being tempted to drag out this baby-making stage or our lives. We have so many things we want to see and do - and want to afford to see and do. Mostly, I already feel that it's hard to split my attention between Eric and the kids. Gets harder with every kid.
I could go on and list reasons and talk about this complex subject for paragraphs on end, but the result would still be the same: for us its time to close this chapter. Regardless of how certain we are it's still a lot to take in. We are choosing this permanent form of birth control. It makes me a little sad. I'm in mourning about it even though I know it's right for us. Sounds so contradictory.
I'm trying to savor every baby kick. I lay down, close my eyes and just feel him moving in my belly. I tell myself, "This is it - the last time I will experience this. Ever." :(
Then I snap back because one of the kids needs a drink or something. I attempt to get up off of the couch I was just laying on, and I fall back down clutching my back because of sciatica pain. I think, "And this is the last time I will have to experience this. Ever." :)
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